Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Goutami's LiveJournal:

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Sunday, December 12th, 2004
10:41 pm	the touch of his hand rivals any other sensation my skin cells are attuned to his beneath the sheets the neurons fire electrical energy between each synapse poetically, unequivocally feeling every caress, every thought, every intention. and once again I find I am lost in his universe. I observe the shapes that form into patterns the patterns that become thoughts the thoughts which are expressed in melancholy sighs and in rapid sentences the thoughts which look out at me from dark eyes that seethe at times, impotence Sometimes I cannot help you, he says leaving me in my own jungle, the light coming from above the forest canopy dimmed I can only feel the silence astute on my skin, profound in the darkness, I wander from one clearing to the next my mind only consumed with when he will return to my eyes, my eyes that search furtively in the crowds for his form and close when they cannot find him I find I am lost between this world and the next in the heart of a man whom I can only know instinctively without much verbal explanation I know why he leaves the television on I know what he does first when he is in the kitchen in the morning I know where he goes when he cannot understand the complexities between us I have seen this place it is a bridge overlooking the river, where laughing children chase each other under the watchful eyes of their parents it is a place he brought me when he wanted me passion for me will always be entrenched with the smell of the algae growing on the stones where he pushed me down and kissed me, the coolness of water washing over our bodies in waves. the roughness of the black stones upon which we lay we could see the passers by above, on the bridge they could not see our blue alcove in which we hoped and planned and felt as one being the touch of his hands, the softness of his feet, the cold water grainy with sediment and leaves I find I retreat into his universe with these, where the air is clearer, the water clearer, the skies clearer, my own thoughts, crystal in form. Current Mood: quixotic Current Music: veer-zaara (Comment on this)
Tuesday, December 7th, 2004
8:20 am	hmm i am up so early! and semi awake, writing responses to john locke's second treatise of govt. i loved his theories in high shcool and then i realized hewas a slave trader. who ironically wrote against it. where are you all? and why does no one ever update? ever? ps am really close to a permanent state of semi nervous breakdown b/c of finals. no this is not a plea for attention. of course not. (Comment on this)
Monday, December 6th, 2004
6:20 pm	i am so tired. so so tired. i dont think i hav ebeen this tired. lunch was good rather it was a 3 hour conversation with this lovely girl, and i really like her. thats all. besides the fact that i can't understand the pages i read i am fine.. (Comment on this)
Monday, November 29th, 2004
1:20 pm	it's such a lovely day today that i want to run around in the leaves or sth like that, leave this dank, yet well lit room (thanks to tahmid, jenn and gauri---the brown trading spaces crew) for the sunny hills and vales of central park. i will raise my bed a few more inches, read this ton of books i have to and understand nmr spectroscopy by the end of the week. forogt my phone at home. that sux. miss marta. slightly unnerved by my father's resumption (a word?) of smoking cigarrettes. that just stresses me out when people do really stupid things over and over again. but i can't stop him so there's no point in me worrying. mr. donahue says i worry incessantly. and so i do. about the country, the children, the environment, my own silly little world with its minor trials and surprising bursts of triumph. also my finger REALLY REALLY hurts. and sometimes i really i don't like my brother. sometimes i do. people are just extremely inconsiderate as usual. maybe more so now that i have left the subrubs. (Comment on this)
Thursday, October 21st, 2004
11:07 pm	also may i add that none of you read this and how productive am i being if no one shares my pain (self inflicted, of course...) (1 Comment |Comment on this)
11:06 pm	26 chemical mechanisms, 9 hours, 1 test...disaster (Comment on this)
Tuesday, October 19th, 2004
2:29 am	i hate thomas aquinas. they should have burned his books in the bonfire of the vanities. you know savanarola and florence and the medici. i love neruda: i am currently carrying around cien sonetos de amor to cheer me up between one disastrous midterm and the next. sleeping is like a recurring dream i used to have. butnot anymore Current Mood: tired (Comment on this)
Saturday, October 16th, 2004
2:14 pm	I had a simply marvelous time in Boston last weekend (despite the most unocomfortable shoes ever invented) with everyone. twas lovely being in the public gardens with Marta and the willows and the ducks. note to all: i now have a facebook picture with which i have a love-hate relationship. this weekend will be uneventful unless studying is an exciting event. i was sick but now am starting to recover. took two midterms this week, both of which i am iffy about the result. the pigs one was an unqualified disaster but i dont think i could have studied any harder, which is also worrying. went to the met yesterday with christina (her art class was going) and ended up in fron of Monet's "Four Trees" feeling very lonely indeed. Feeling cemented infront of "wheat field with Cypresses" by Van Gogh. And so i bought several prints from the museum gift store to carry this feeling with me. i really wanted to cry, when i saw the sea the sky the arch of the bridge in that other painting by Monet. i have an irresisitble urge to visit the gardens at Giverny where he painted his water lillies. wish that something of mine lives on in the world, but this is a fruitless topic since perhaps even this livejournal will not survive. i have a new phone! the number is 914 841 8636, for those who dont read my profile. looking forward to club bangla stuff, and finally cleaning my room. also laundry. sometimes i wonder what it would be like if i were the only person in the world. Current Mood: curious Current Music: garden state soundtrack (Comment on this)
Sunday, June 13th, 2004
4:47 pm	went to temple. and jackson heights. do not understand orthodoxy and ritual. cannot help feel connected to the image in stone, when i close my eyes in front of it to ask for forgiveness, for happiness, for peace. perhaps its conditioning. Current Mood: contemplative (Comment on this)
Sunday, June 6th, 2004
12:10 am	you know when i was my brother's age, i did not stay out this late. thats all i am saying. also: is it impossible for me to wear a string bikini? is that a little ambitious? yes, probabbly. but to hear it from your own mother... (Comment on this)
Saturday, May 29th, 2004
8:27 pm	umm...i'm walking a lot better. i think i will go upstairs and have something sweet to eat. that should take all of oh...fifteen minutes. i used to be able to do that in fifteen seconds. sometimes i marvel at the fact that i ever walked correctly. (Comment on this)
Thursday, May 27th, 2004
9:03 pm	i'm downstairs! yay! i am getting better. at least thats what i keep telling myself. Current Mood: cynical (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, May 2nd, 2004
3:25 pm	someone please tell me how i can get a different icon. i do not like this pink face thingy. it does not express my emotions well. thank you Current Mood: angry (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, April 21st, 2004
12:30 am	i do not want to learn taylor polynomials again. or ever, actually. i wish the information could somehow be zapped into my brain and then i would just know it forever. Current Mood: procrastinative Current Music: swandive-ani difranco (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, April 18th, 2004
2:02 pm	crime and punishment. lots of it. then another paper. outside it has never been this beautiful. or amazing. or warm. or anything. but sunday is work day. or perhaps a read in central park day. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, April 16th, 2004
12:25 am	i am not doing my homework. period (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, April 12th, 2004
9:59 pm	i never have a subject. i suppose i should. here i am sitting with a box of manischewitz matzo crackers and sabra salads' version of "chumus" and wondering why i miss seder at Zach's house. no honestly its not the free wine. or champagne. or bourbon. or any of that since the fumes got into my nose and would not be dislodged. like this nagging feeling that i'm not doing all i could right now. to do well in school or meet people or get involved. this lethargy will not be serenely brushed away as i do with most of my nagging feelings. the ones that are quite valid and relocated away to closet marked "hindsight", where my mind returns sure enough when that confidence of mine (based on what? truth? devotion?) fails. inevitably. my mother says to me: i am never wrong. i believe her. there is always an iota of truth to what she says, even if i disagree. i wonder why. i am going to be an incapable mother. i could never say that to my child. not because of the lack of a confidence. i could never believe myself. do i believe her because she is my mother? or because i cannot remember a single incident where she was truly wrong. i miss my grandmother. she is sick, and unwilling to cure herself. i am not patient with people who don't trust doctors to the point where they won't take prescribed medication. or go out on the roof and walk, as she is supposed to. the roof. the roof is where i dream of falling in love. perhaps that's why i tend to look down. in calcutta i stand under the clouds that seem so close, a different girl. perhaps even a different woman. between the lines of clothes that are drying in the sunlight and the thousand colors of saris that hang down the buildings, never to be repeated again. this is where i dream, inhaling the smell of a city as ancient as history. a city that is living history. aren't we all? here i imagine a wedding. not in a fancy hotel with chandeliers and mini samosa hor d'vours. i imagine a husband. a fire. a red silk sari, simple in its pattern, soft to touch, bordered only gold. no swarvoski crystals or gemstones. no jewelry. none. only a ring. golden. round. no stone.no makeup. vermillion powder. in my hair. only flowers, white tuberoses in my hair. it is the only thing that is fancy, this braided hair, exuding the scent of eternity. i imagine a husband. clothed in white. leading me around this fire. there is no priest with his textual authority. no caste. no sexist elite, learned man telling me that "pati parmeshwar hai" or my husband is god. because he is not. yet he says to me, in the tradition of the vows that my parents have taken, "You are my Lakshmi. my goddess of wealth and earthly fortune. without you I am nothing. Imy soul is nothing. i will worship you above all other women, be faithful to you and you alone." And as we walk around this fire, i say to him, "You are Narayan, my only consort and love. i will follow you seven times around the earth. you are my friend, my lover, my only soul. i can belong to no other." the roof. uncluttered. unceremonious. a window into the clouds, into dreams. how i miss my calcutta. how i hope to return and stay. forever. Current Mood: artistic Current Music: reckoning- ani difranco (Comment on this)
Sunday, April 11th, 2004
11:57 am	haven't done this in a awhile. came back thursday from the cruise. want to move permanently to the cayman islands or at least go there once a year. i've never seen the water so blue and turqoise, the sky so clear, and the sand so white. untouched. yet crawling with tourists. natural experiences are always emotional for me. i was blinded by the sun on the water, the water sparkling on my toes, my toes now clearly a shade darker after hibernation in socks and shoes. the time of the flip flops is fast approaching. there really is something eternal about floating in that water, under that sky. the ocean is restless by nature, but for the first time in a long time i felt like there was nothing to worry about. not school, or the lack of boys, or cynicism or ignorance or war or anything. not about disillusionment or family issues or the papers i would have to write upon my return or friendships that are facades, really. nothing. except the coolness of the water, my body submerged in it. the sun on my face, my eyes closed, listening to the sound that water makes in my ears when they too are under the surface. i feel saddened by the loss of this simple action. truly i am a lazy person. here i am in nyc, where the sound is eternal in forms of sirens and alarms and drunk college students debating tom stoppard's plays. the irony. it seems as if we are all floating in our oceans, appearing to reach a single destination. "what kind of paradise am i looking for?" ani says, and i wonder if we really know. i wonder if we get somewhere with college degrees and sports cars and stable jobs. and where is it that we get? i wonder if love is real. Current Mood: contemplative Current Music: "grey" ani difranco (Comment on this)
Tuesday, March 23rd, 2004
9:28 pm	america's next top model...so exciting...makes me want to lose wright and try and wear haute couture...could i get anymore superficial? (Comment on this)
Friday, March 12th, 2004
1:47 am	the story of my life seems to procrastination followed by more procrastination, followed by the realization that i actually need to finish paper/problemset/reading by 9am/12am/2:40pm. the said assignment therefore becomes a non existent entity in my mind for weeks until the end. i need to get my priorities straight, like Ron said. except hermione works too much and i don't at all. ten pages. i can do it. if only there were someone to talk to. someone to procrastinate with. shit i should really start this damn thing. "what is here may be found elsewhere, what is not here is nowhere at all." Current Mood: lazy Current Music: monsoon wedding soundtrack (Comment on this)